Because you’ll be able to’t ghost a work colleague.
It’s the film plot that hurtled Bridget Jones’ Diary to cult-classic standing, however the ebb and movement of feelings that come up from sleeping with a coworker aren’t restricted to fictitious movie units.
In the eyes of some folks, it’s a a part of life and a proper of passage. If I had a greenback for each time I acted on a work crush… properly, being a heterosexual lady working in a female-dominated trade, I can’t say I’d be dwelling on lobsters and caviar. But that’s not to say many others don’t have a wealth of romantic office interactions below their belts.
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But even aficionados of an workplace rendezvous can wrestle to navigate the post-sex debrief. To make up for my inexperience in skilled hook-ups, I made a decision to ask Christina Kioulafasa relationship counsellor who’s guided her justifiable share of numerous relationships to communicative bliss.
Why can we sleep with our colleagues?
As merchandise of a capitalist society, we’re programmed to maintain nice worth in our careers. During common enterprise hours, we wouldn’t dare a lot as ask for a cellphone quantity for worry of jeopardising our shiny job titles. So why is it that, when Friday rolls round and we’re unwinding with colleagues over a jug of ambiguous faucet beer, we push our shrewd inhibitions apart?
Of course, the ill-fated beer goggles might play a function however in accordance to Christina, the ‘mystery’ of a colleague is an endearing issue with respect to office intercourse. “We tend to only see one side of people, the powerful, productive, warm, professional side which can be very appealing. It’s also appealing to be attracted to someone and want to see their softer or sexier side, there is some mystery there,” she explains.
Similarly, relationship professional Nancy Carbone says typically office attraction might be constructed on ‘fantasy’. “What happens is [workers] will form an emotional bond, or what I call a ‘fantasy relationship’, with someone they aren’t close with at work, as they feel they can be themselves and be more open,” she reveals.
“[Sometimes] it’s actually the fantasy of what they’ve conjured up in their head about the person that creates the illusion of a close connection.”
So what occurs after we do?
As Monday morning comes round after a weekend of anxiousness-induced torment, we have a tendency to revert to a primitive ‘fight or flight decision’ when it comes to addressing the state of affairs. Some of us will face the embarrassment head-on, by marching to the photocopier and blurting out a nervous jumble of “Can we just pretend Friday never happened?”.
Others will take the flight route, glue their eyes to the carpet and their headphones to their ears, avoiding any prospect of a post-sex debrief. According to Christina, irrespective of how frivolous the interplay is, addressing a work hook-up is significant in order for you to keep away from awkward or inappropriate work mishaps.
“Like with any intimate relationship, you should respect the person and yourself by letting them know where you stand. So yes, addressing the hook-up briefly will help to make clear what each other’s expectations are,” she says.
And, she says, addressing a hook-up doesn’t have to be as daunting because the aforementioned parade to the photocopier. “Even a brief text, where you don’t have to deal with the face-to-face awkwardness, can go far in clearing the air,” she suggests. “Respect yourself and your colleague, as well as the workplace team. Be honest, but keep it short and sweet.”
What if I really feel a sturdy connection with a colleague?
Of course, a tipsy one-night stand isn’t the one sort of office relationship to ever happen. Maybe you’ve shared a number of nights of ardour and are attempting to gauge whether or not the butterflies you’re feeling are reciprocated.
“Plenty of people meet at work and have long and fruitful relationships,” Christina says. But in case you do end up in a relationship with a coworker, boundaries and communication want to turn out to be paramount.
“Talk openly about how you want things to be so you are both on the same page. Set time away from each other to maintain your independence and identity as individuals,” she provides. And when it comes to the sensitive topic of firm promotions, Christina says the identical communication guidelines apply.
“Talk about it, be open about any feelings of jealousy or disappointment. Your partner’s success is important for you both,” she explains.
Should communication change when there’s a energy construction in place?
Maybe, like Bridget Jones, it was your boss who you probably did the deed with, leaving you feeling additional confused and a little bit bizarre about the place you stand. In the case of sleeping with considered one of your superiorsChristina says expectations, respect, and consent are key.
“If you sleep with your boss, you need to reflect on the power dynamic in the relationship and both of you need to be clear on consent and what is appropriate,” she tells me. “Workplace sexual harassment is a serious issue and happens all the time, often going on unreported for fear of losing one’s job. So yes, communication is SO important … If you are not sure, ask.”
No matter the wonderful print of your office fling, Christina says reflecting on the underlying causes behind your relationships is extremely essential to keep a wholesome work/life steadiness.
“If [sleeping with colleagues] is a recurring pattern, it can be harmful. It’s best to ask yourself ‘Why am I doing this? Is it to fulfil a desire? Loneliness? Boredom?’,” she notes. “Always leave time for reflection and think about it. If you continue to hurt them or be hurt, [it’s] probably best to reflect and take a break”.
There’s little question intercourse between two consenting adults is considered one of life’s main joys. But typically it’s greatest to say your drunken goodbyes in time to make the final prepare and save the prospect of affection and intercourse for conditions the place the stakes aren’t fairly as excessive.
This article was initially printed on July 23, 2021.
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