Can Somebody Please Help Lisa Barlow?

Can Somebody Please Help Lisa Barlow?

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This is So Chic, Very Chic, PAPER’s examination of Bravo’s sprawling cohort of trend obsessives. From high fashion to TJ Maxx, they’ve actually worn all of it. Sometimes they stunt, generally they flip the look, and generally they burn holes in retinas my ophthalmologist says would possibly by no means heal.

God, for those who’re on the market, it is me, Joan Summers.

I do know we’ve not talked shortly — not since these goat horns grew out of my cranium and my footprints lit the carpet of my childhood church on fireplace. When I used to be instructed to hope again then, I used to faux such as you had been floating up there close to Mars and laughing at my jokes. Well, I’m not joking this time. Please, God, assist Lisa Barlow.

She hasn’t been an excellent particular person, or a pleasant good friend, and even had the attention for trend she as soon as had. But she is an ideal actuality tv star. I can not see her run out of Hollywood by her personal hubris, which admittedly is twice the scale of the gargantuan cowboy hat she wore within the confessional this week. I do know she’s referred to as different ladies “gout dick suckers” and yelled all types of expletives the place kids and the aged can hear. I do know she’s been grasping, together with her cash and others, and I perceive that there is not any excuse for consuming Wendy’s ever, not to mention serving to them shill burgers to the much less lucky who go with out one thing more healthy and extra nutritious, like Jack In the Box.

Frankly, God, Lisa Barlow has been a horrible good friend. But these different sins pale compared to her worst, which is that she hasn’t been very good to herself. Her greed and her pleasure have eaten her alive, and she or he cries on a regular basis due to it. Lisa Barlow appears unhappy, God, sadder than even me. And I as soon as wrote a journal entry within the ninth grade that plagiarized one other journal entry from an equal unhappy teenage lady, most likely, which years later I heard repeated again to me in the course of the closing season of Girlslike Lena Dunham might learn my thoughts from throughout area and time.

“I’ve cried so it feels like the whole world has filled with tears like in Waterworld. Maybe my tears will even drown God.”

Maybe my tears did drown God again then, or possibly you are still up there, floating in area out by Mars, listening to my prayer. If by likelihood you are still listening, please, God, assist Lisa Barlow. Amen. Shall we discuss her gargantuan cowboy hat now?

The Real Housewives of Salt Lake City

Lisa Barlow

I’ve to confess that I lied concerning the literal measurement of her cowboy hat within the confessional, solely as a result of it feels gargantuan to me. And all of us make our personal fact each single day, similar to Lady Gaga. Really, a hat within the sales space isn’t a good suggestion, similar to headpieces and crowns and absolutely anything else that cuts one’s proportions in half in a cramped studio setting. While not actually gargantuan, it fully swallows her entire, which is definitely fairly a stunning feat, contemplating it is on the smaller aspect of cowboy hats. Perhaps it is this leather-like gown, or the assertion belt and added assertion belt buckles.

It all simply reads like a Spirit Halloween costume impressed by one thing that alcoholic lady on Yellowstone would put on. I decide up the package deal and it says “Sexy Ranch Alcoholic TV Character.” Baby attractive deserves higher, particularly when she has Ben Affleck to get together with later!

Angie Katsanevas

Angie Katsanevas is a warrior queen straight out of mythology itself. She can be one of the stunning ladies alive. The duality in that provides her an virtually impenetrable aura of magnificence that makes it unattainable to take a look at her very lengthy, lest I burn my eyes and stroll the earth as a blind monk, chanting prayers in her title.

I’m solely being barely hyperbolic, after all. It’s simply that the way in which she places herself collectively like a Barbie doll in certainly one of my childhood fantasies about what I might appear to be if I used to be a gorgeous woman and likewise a Barbie doll. The pink gown is simply excellent, and whereas I’ve come down onerous on foolish bows up to now, this supermassive butt-bow is ideal, particularly in a confessional sales space. I’m additionally fairly the fan of the excessive neckline on this gown, though if I had been to nitpick, I want they’d pulled simply a few of her hair again behind her shoulders.

Currently, these tresses threaten to swallow her.

Back in the actual world, I used to be reminded that she’s each a mom and a businesswoman. The white swimsuit and blazer with the extreme ponytail and assertion jewellery she wore to her father’s home made for a pleasant mixture of aesthetic signifiers. That she sat right here in that very same ensemble whereas he talked about “the war” solely deepened the meaningfulness of the second, at the least to me.

Bronwyn Newport

Speaking of Barbie dolls: Bronwyn regularly clothes just like the doll I’d put all my weirdest garments on, after which faux was an evil queen ruling over Bedroomlandia from her throne of disassembled Buzz Lightyear elements and Lego bricks. This is a praise, to be clear, and I hope she continues to pester me with these ridiculous assertion items and daring eyeshadow appears.

Sadly, with Bronwyn, the fantasy of the confessional sales space doesn’t carry into the actual world. Harried and prim aren’t good phrases to explain somebody with, however there may be an virtually overwhelming sense of repression beneath Bronwyn’s exterior facade that makes it onerous to abdomen her scenes in giant portions. I like that she clothes just like the evil (if misunderstood) sister from Fleabag to eat frozen yogurt together with her grumpy, previous husband. I like her Prada headbands and fur sweaters and even generally her Dolce & Gabbana mini-dresses with the uncovered bras.

But I don’t just like the lingering sense of dread I get from witnessing a lady not totally realized in herself, a lady trapped inside one other lady, clawing at cage she’s constructed.

Mary Cosby

Angie Katsanevas and Mary Cosby are soulmates, if solely as a result of they each gown like wise businesswomen in Utah when out to lunch with one another or their girlfriends. I used to be tickled by this tan swimsuit she wore to argue with Angie about smelling one another’s farts, and hope to see many extra tan fits prefer it sooner or later.

Britani Bateman

On the opposite finish of the swimsuit spectrum is the blazer Britani wore to fulfill her estranged daughter in a espresso store, the place they each proceeded to loudly focus on Britani’s tendency to desert her kids to make out with the cousins of Mormon royalty. She appears stunning and extreme, just like the depraved stepmother in an off-Broadway manufacturing of Cinderella. That is her dream in life, in any case, and so I’d say: You obtained half, Britani. You’re going to be the subsequent depraved stepmother on the Park City Playhouse’s manufacturing of Cinderella.

Whitney Rose

When I die, I would like the very last thing I see to be a group of Whitney’s numerous neon outfits and bobs by the years. I haven’t got something actually insightful to say about this corseted bustier, however God, there’s merely nobody out right here dressing fairly like her. There’s additionally nobody out right here inviting psychics to inform Angie Okay {that a} horse goes to interrupt its leg within the close to future. Kudos, sister! Save travels in your therapeutic journey.

The Real Housewives of Potomac

Keiarna Stewart

I’ve now seen the epic highs and lows of Keiarna Stewart’s confessional prowess. These, for me, are the highs. The Versace is superb, however I do want that they had styled it with the kerchief neck within the entrance, as a substitute of down the again. The Cult Gaia prime within the re-evaluation can be a excessive level of The Real Housewives of Potomac confessionals this season, however I do fear concerning the longevity of Real Housewives stars who store the identical manufacturers and me when getting ready for trip.

Where Stewart misplaced me this season was her now repeat use of crowns. It’s not that she appears dangerous on this Retrofete gown or on the Bridgerton themed get together, however a number of crowns three episodes right into a season? No! Please, it is solely your second season! This sort of iconography is what spelled doom for the Kingdom of Vanderpump, again earlier than Keiarna was a twinkle in Andy Cohen’s eye.

Wendy Oswego

Wendy appears a bit off within the confessional sales space this season. It’s troublesome to disentangle my response to that from information of her current arrest. Speaking professionally, I’ve simply seen this primary gown too many instances on the Real Housewives. I’ve additionally seen her pull off too many structural monstrosities just like the second gown, which look good the primary time, and put on by the fifteenth. It’s form of just like the seasons after Valentino despatched down these tulle clothes. One was sufficient, two was a lot, and fifteen on the Grammys, fourteen on the Emmys, and fifty seven on the Oscars had been merely greater than any society might moderately accommodate.

Ashley Darby

If there may be one factor Ashley Darby was born to do, it is look loopy as hell. She and Gizelle are true sisters in that manner. Had she opted for one thing aside from this curl and low-cost gown, she would possibly look midway to fabulous. But as common, the small print right here cheapen the specified impact, which is an actual disgrace, as a result of this needs to be an precise second value celebrating. She’s lastly divorced, richer than God, and in an enormous pink coat. All the items are there, Ashley Darby!

Stacey Rusch

Speaking of depraved witches, Stacey Rusch is nothing of the type. In reality, she’s the princess who’s been trapped in a crystal and suspended over an underground lake, like in a Final Fantasy recreation or my frequent mentions of it on this column. Despite the pile on and supposed lies she’s instructed, I’m nonetheless staff Stacey, if solely as a result of she’s the oddest duck I’ve come throughout in my ten seasons watching this present. Her fashions are equally unusual, however the place they’d be off-putting on a lady like Gizelle, right here I discover them entrancing. She’s dressed like Tyra Banks within the Life Size remake, and form of acts like a doll delivered to life by a toddler’s want too.

Angel Massie

The new ladies on the solid have not made a memorable impression on me simply but, however I did need to briefly praise Angel for this clingy brown gown, which appears fantastic on her!

Images courtesy of Bravo/NBC Universal

Graphic design by Jewel Baek

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