picture and phrases by Laura Roscioli
“I lived like it was cool not to have a boyfriend before it was cool to not have a boyfriend.”
Laura Roscioli is a intercourse author based mostly in Melbourne. Her fortnightly column on Fashion Journal is right here to make intercourse (and the conversations round it) extra accessible and open-minded. She believes that the greatest learnings come from lived expertise, and she or he’s right here to share hers — and different folks’s — with you. You can observe Laura on Instagram at @lauraroscioli.
It’s 2025 and I’ve a boyfriend. Which is, apparently, very embarrassing. Honestly, I really feel form of aggravated. I spent a decade desperately wanting a boyfriend and by no means fairly having one.
Over the previous decade or so, boyfriends have been very cool. Borderline integral. It was the period of carrying your boyfriend’s T-shirt in your Facebook profile image, Alex Turner’s love letter to Alexa Chung was thought of the benchmark and youngsters pined for a Sex God Boyfriend (see: Angus Thongs and Perfect Snogging).
For extra intercourse and relationship tales, strive our Life part.
Back then, there have been no boys in my neighborhood I deemed to be boyfriend materials. They made immature jokes, didn’t perceive the significance of excellent footwear and seemingly had no hopes and desires.
Only as I entered into the world of grownup males did I begin to correctly pine, however that got here with a complete different host of issues: lovebombing, gaslighting and shamelessly hitting on my pals behind my again.
When Tinder launched onto the scene over ten years in the past and I moved from my small hometown to the huge smoke, I assumed I discovered myself a boyfriend. In fast succession, I had my coronary heart damaged and spent the subsequent few years one-night-standing myself again to well being.
I suppose you can say I used to be forward of the sport. I lived prefer it was cool to not have a boyfriend earlier than it was cool to not have a boyfriend. But now, we’re firmly in the period the place individuals are writing articles on whether or not having a boyfriend is embarrassing and look, it’s about time we de-centred males.
Many of you studying this seemingly have dad and mom that consider marriage, children and a home in the suburbs is the solely technique to stay a profitable life. For ladies, that usually means discovering a person and settling down as quickly as attainable — regardless of his flaws.
“It’s about what you can live with,” my mum as soon as stated to me once I was debating whether or not or not to stick with my ex. I keep in mind resisting that at the time. “I don’t want to just put up with him!” I replied. She rolled her eyes, however to me it didn’t seem to be an excessive amount of to ask.
It is sensible that we spent our younger grownup lives trying to find ‘The One’. Our dad and mom advised us to, and society backed them up. To be a profitable lady was to be chosen and cherished, to be a profitable man meant being in management and offering. We tried so exhausting to seek out The One! We hunted! We devoted our treasured youth to looking out each room for potential candidates!
Look, to be trustworthy, I used to be so over males earlier than I met my present boyfriend. Not having a boyfriend felt so c**t to me and I used to be ready to be alone endlessly. I’d gone via a poisonous relationship dynamic and straight into one other. I broke up with each in feverish anger. I used to be completed. If having a boyfriend meant silencing all of the daring elements of myself that I cherished, I didn’t need one.
So, I get it. And I’m truthfully glad we’re right here. So glad, that it’s making me hate my boyfriend a bit of bit.
Women standing their floor and prioritising their self-worth is one thing I really feel deeply obsessed with. I really like that we’re at some extent the place we’ve collectively determined that having a boyfriend just isn’t all the pieces, particularly if we don’t really feel revered, cherished and valued by them.
I really like that the internet has change into a spot that welcomes feminine rage and reality, that an album a few marriage falling aside as a result of a person’s lack of ability to have a tough dialog is being acquired with validation. I really like that clips of girls dancing to lacklustre voice notes from the males they’re courting on-line are going viral. It’s about fucking time.
Despite the empowering place this comes from, I discover myself being suspicious of my boyfriend. Is he actually making my life higher? He leaves the rest room seat up. He by no means buys the proper model of milk. He’s all the time a bit of bit late to all the pieces. But strive as I would to seek out petty causes for why he sucks… he simply doesn’t. He’s the greatest particular person I’ve ever met and courting him makes me the greatest model of myself. I get to be unbiased and flirty, but in addition taken care of. It’s the better of each worlds.
I believe the solely cause I discovered him is as a result of I got here into this relationship from the similar place that ladies on-line are at proper now. I didn’t want a person. I didn’t want exterior validation. I didn’t want monogamy. I discovered the idea of a boyfriend so fucking embarassing.
So possibly that is the place we should be. A spot the place we don’t want males or relationships to make us entire, and due to that, the proper relationship has an opportunity to really attain us.
For extra boyfriend discourse, strive this.