Products are curated by Style Girlfriend editors. Purchases through our links may earn us an affiliate commission.
“Stop asking your wife for a list.”
This is the advice men often receive on how to be more engaged partners. Whether you’ve actually asked for that advice or not.
Why the list-shaming? Because women don’t want to give their romantic partners to do’s.
Which is good advice! When it comes to the mental load of managing a household, the best husband or boyfriend is the one who knows what needs to be done and does it without fanfare or complaint. Take ownership of responsibilities. Share the load.
But what about the fun stuff? The juicy, romantic stuff that keeps the spark alive?
Small gestures that say, “I’m thinking about you?” Subtle signals that show you’re prioritizing her?
That’s the stuff your partner would love to give you a list for.
And let me just say, I’m not just the president of “Ask Your Partner for a List” club; I’m also a member!
Let me set the scene:
Last spring, after a particularly gruesome few weeks during which we discovered one kid’s life-threatening tree nut allergy at the same time our kitchen was being renovated, a microwaved dinner (cooked in the dining room) exploded and I burst into tears. My husband asked me, “What can I do?”
The answer wasn’t, “Figure out what we’re getting your mom for her birthday.”
No, the fix for my tears, I told him, was “Get me a sweet treat.”
While he ran out to retrieve a Reece’s Pieces concrete shake from Culver’s, a Pinterest pin I’d seen months earlier popped into my head.
Expectation ( — ) Communication ( = ) Disappointment
I couldn’t expect my husband to know the little stuff that means a lot without me telling him.
Sure, he could learn through trial and error (“Hmm, Alana loved it when I brought home those cinnamon rolls from KwikTrip” or “Wow, I thought it was so nice that I scheduled tennis lessons for us, but she doesn’t even seem that excited”), but why put him through that?
I know exactly what thrills me and sets my heart aflutter, so why not just tell him?
Here’s a peek at the list I shared with him in a Notes app. I add to it when I think of something, giving my husband an up-to-date, running list of easy ways to make me happy. It’s a win-win!
Things Bryan can do for me to be romantic
- Get up early and bring home donuts. No chocolate frosting. Peanuts good. Jelly good. Jelly with cinnamon roll frosting not good
- Schedule an appointment for us with a local jeweler to design a piece of jewelry for me together
- Take over the house for a day and let me stay in my room watching Law & Order: SVU reruns
- Surprise me with a night out on the town—you plan babysitter and dinner, just us
- Surprise me with a night out on the town—you plan babysitter and dinner, with friends
- Write me a love letter—at least 3 paragraphs
- Send me a video on a random weekday of you professing your love for me
- Draw me a bath and let me skip all kid bedtime responsibilities
- Foot massage (45 minutes minimum)
- Organize a spa treatment for me
- Compliment me in front of other people
- Praise me on social media—without being sarcastic
- Surprise me at work and bring me lunch
- Pick out a movie to watch together that you (really, actually) think we’ll both like
- Shop for groceries and make dinner and clean up dishes for the whole family without help from Alana
- Plan a weekend (or night) getaway just us
- Plan a weekend (or night) getaway for the whole family
- Organize the kids to do something nice for me
- Pepper my mirror with Post-It love notes
- Sneak candy or a treat into my work bag with a note
- Buy me a cookie from Crumbl
- Make time for me to go for a run or to the gym
- Go for a run with me
- Bring home take-out for dinner
- Send a sweet text for no reason
- Vacuum out car and wipe down interior
- 2 words: basque cake
Can you guess my love language? I’d say it’s a three-way tie between Words of Affirmation, Acts of Service and Gift. Do you know your partner’s love languages? If you ask for this list, you will!
The caveat? Once you ask your significant other for a “nice things to do for me” list, you have to regularly do them.
Don’t ask for a list if you’re not going to follow through and do any nice things for her. That’s literally so much worse than not asking for a list at all.
More dating + relationship resources from SG HQ:
5 Things Men Do That Women Love
How to Have More Rizz With Women
The Before, During, and After of a Great First Date
10 Date Ideas that Aren’t Boring